Last night I sat behind a keyboard playing with some fellas I had only just met. I knew one of them to say the least and whenever he is in the room its an awkward comfort that canr be described, I loove this guy somedays i thinks its Love but its more I am on awe of him for what he does and how he makes my soul happy and I do love him alot I have alot of time for him. Anyway that is a totally different subject all together. When after an angry text conversation with this "friend" of mine about why he couldnt go to the movies with me, I dont know why i was super anxious about doing that asking asqell. he out of the blue or feeling sorry for my lack of social activity invited me to come play music with some of his long term students. 3 guys and me 1 girl a maiden who had been stood up because of these guys it was all awkwards but as soon as I walked in there was calm in the room. I was in awe of how three people who had never met each other could just click and be open about who they are and just make awesome music together i was in awe and my creative juices were flowing it was an amazingly fun time and gives me something else to look forward to.
Anyway that kind of segways into what i wanted to touch briefly on. I havent always been an anxious person most of my childhood I was a confident little shit to say the least bit as I got older not wiser I have self diagnosed myself with anxiety. My anxiety i will call her Princess Anxiety has her good days and her very bad days were I just want to place myself in a hole. She does limit some of the things that indesire to do in life which could make my life even more super awesomer but ahe does like to keep me in my little box most of the time and has a MA15 filter on it, i desire to keep my mouth at least R rated at all times. Anyway once again the point of this nonsence. AS someone with anxiety fear is a killer of all the fun things I want to do..
My one true desire apart from my babes is to sing which leads me back ro last night. I had tensed up conciously telling myself you can do this Amy what is stopping you these people dont know you from a bar of soap they dont know you know is your time..i was pumped I can do this andrenelin levels were ultimate I think i was nearly convulsing with excitement but of course in my hyper activity along come little miss anxiety to put me back in my box. God I hate you soo much your a destroyer of my dreams, my wishes in life i wish you would just drop off the face of rhe earth and let me be the showstopping diva that i want to be.. "one day" she says to me "this could be all yours but just not yet mother fucker" Jeez she doesnt have a fucking G rated filter either.
What can I do to banish PA as she will now be known. I need to create healthy mindfulness activities to help Zen her out and probably go to the doctor to see what he can do. Being a nurse I prefer to look at thr holistic approach than the medicated. In the next couple of days I will create a plan and "try" to stick by it at all costs. I will look forward to my step-by-step approach but more importantly hopefully finding the bright green grass on the other side of Miss PAs fence.
Thankyou for reading
Soon to be a Show stopping fucking Diva
Amy
