Meet Princess Anxiety

Last night I sat behind a keyboard playing with some fellas I had only just met. I knew one of them to say the least and whenever he is in the room its an awkward comfort that canr be described, I loove this guy somedays i thinks its Love but its more I am on awe of him for what he does and how he makes my soul happy and I do love him alot I have alot of time for him. Anyway that is a totally different subject all together. When after an angry text conversation with this "friend" of mine about why he couldnt go to the movies with me, I dont know why i was super anxious about doing that asking asqell. he out of the blue or feeling sorry for my lack of social activity invited me to come play music with some of his long term students. 3 guys and me 1 girl a maiden who had been stood up because of these guys  it was all awkwards  but as soon as I walked in there was calm in the room. I was in awe of how three people who had never met each other could just click and be open about who they are and just make awesome music together i was in awe and my creative juices were flowing it was an amazingly fun time and gives me something else to look forward to.

Anyway that kind of segways into what i wanted to touch briefly on. I havent always been an anxious person most of my childhood I was a confident little shit to say the least bit as I got older not wiser I have self diagnosed myself with anxiety. My anxiety i will call her Princess Anxiety has her good days and her very bad days were I just want to place myself in a hole. She does limit some of the things that indesire to do in life which could make my life even more super awesomer but ahe does like to keep me in my little box most of the time and has a MA15 filter on it, i desire to keep my  mouth at least R rated at all times. Anyway once again the point of this nonsence. AS someone with anxiety fear is a killer of all the fun things I want to do..

My one true desire apart from my babes is to sing which leads me back ro last night. I had tensed up conciously telling myself you can do this Amy what is stopping you these people dont know you from a bar of soap they dont know you know is your time..i was pumped I can do this andrenelin levels were ultimate I think i was nearly convulsing with excitement but of course in my hyper activity along come little miss anxiety to put me back in my box. God I hate you soo much your a destroyer of my dreams, my wishes in life i wish you would just drop off the face of rhe earth and let me be the showstopping diva that i want to be.. "one day" she says to me "this could be all yours but just not yet mother fucker"  Jeez she doesnt have a fucking G rated filter either.

What can I do to banish PA as she will now be known. I need to create healthy mindfulness activities to help Zen her out and probably go to the doctor to see what he can do. Being a nurse I prefer to look at thr holistic approach than the medicated. In the next couple of days I will create a plan and "try" to stick by it at all costs.  I will look forward to my step-by-step approach but more importantly hopefully finding the bright green grass on the other side of Miss PAs fence.

Thankyou for reading
Soon to be a Show stopping fucking Diva
Amy

2016 my thoughts

More face to face less facebook I find these days its just a competition to compare lives and show off things one person can afford whilst others cant. Jealousy is a killer to some and tears friendships and families apart.   Anyone can like a post but it seems to be to hard to call or text to check up on somebody even a text is more personal than a like.

This year i dedicated to my family and through this sacrificed alot of extra curricular activities and through that friendships aswell my boys have never been more content and excited get to spend alot more time with their family which through the last few years is what they have been craving and what I have selfishly been denying them.

I sacrificed 2 years of my kids and chocs life studying my butt off to make our lives better and I am so grateful that it is finally paying off. I have the most amazing Job where i get to do something I love in the most fun and supporting workplace. My bosses & co-workers have become more like family and clients the same somewhere you can go everyday where you are encouraged to be who you want to be. I have the privilege of doing something i love every day. Do what you love and never work a day in your life. So excited for what 2017 has to being for See Change.

I have been so lucky through different creative processes I have met so many genuinely beautiful souls who I cant wait to get to know more through the next year im so excited that 2017 will continue to grow that creative seed inside me that will flower and flourish which will continue to make me happy and more satisfied with myself. I am so lucky to have D & P for that support.

As 2016 comes to an end we learn from the hard lessons that 2016 has brought us and we  embrace them and look forward to starting the fresh page that is 2017. Saying this i will be limiting my facebook profile to people who I actually communicate with and family and friends afar please dont take offence but my resolution for 2017 is to learn to not care what other people think and hopefully reduce the opportunty for my name to come up in peoples conversations.

Thankyou for reading best wishes and good vibes for your 2017.

Peace out Amy O.

Different Happiness

What on this earth entitles you to happiness..

this is my rant tonight. On a personal level my hapiness levels are not what they were some years ago and trust me a I know Disneyland happy.

Everybody has a different take on happiness but what entitles you to that happiness.

What makes you happy? What makes me happy? These days i really couldnt give you an honest answer, my boys though bring me the most happiness in my life but it is constantly on my mind what makes people happy and how do we hold onto it. Can we forget to be happy just out of the blue.

I once met a lady who volunteered her life away I asked her why she replied it made her happy whatever floats your boat love.

On another hand I am currently working with a gentlemen who was a CEO of a company travelled the world perfect family, this gentleman retired recieved a 4wd as his retirement present one year later alzheimers and is currently residing in a mental health geriatric home not knowing what day it is and why he is there..Such a sad story you say noone deserves to have that sort of life but before he succumbed to this life he had but he says that he is happy! As you would expect its a totally different happiness from his previous known happiness.

Everyone happiness levels are differrent from one person to the next. Happiness is such an interesting topic and i love reading different books and TED talks about happiness.

Im sorry if this post makes no sense i have spent the last 24hrs with my head in thentoilet bowl bleh.. kinda liek a psychotiv rant really but I find this a healthy vent touche'

Peace out..

The not so perfect life

Life's not perfect..But neither are you Darling.

I sit here a 30 something mother of two pondering 2016. To be honest with you it wasn't the best and you all probably think I'm being selfish, Perfect little family, Some friends, full time job as a nurse, I have a mortgage, Lots of debt and  mind that goes a million times a minute.

Let me take you on the journey that was 2016. Actually forget that I'll start at the end of 2015 my marriage was on the brink of failing, I was apart of a Church who I thought was everything that i needed in life ( I think I will need to a whole post to deal with that issue in in itself) and I had just taken on a new Full time job. Sounds Crazy right?! I really don't know how i have survived and kind of come out the other end really only partial scathe.

At one point of the year I had thought i was in love with somebody else but as it turns out, I have found that I was just in awe of this person and I'm lucky because through that experience I have come out with a close friend who I can know call family without the awkwardness of what if and has made me realise how amazing my husband really is.

My job kinda took over my life this year and has been hard on my family and very few friends that I have left. I love my job I love where I work and have very supportive people around me.

So life sounds weird right? trust me my stories are just gongt o get weirder but through all the stress and issues w manage to have some fun and laughs.

Peace out!